yesterday was my little brothers birthday, his birthday and mines are literally next to eachothers so we both consider ourselves birthday twins. me and my husband woke up early to take him out to breakfest. he also gifted him a box of cigars since they both like cigars. then after that we came home and played super mario kart and party with him and my youngest brother and we had a blast. we also decided to go on a little hike at the state park. it was super fun and a nice time spending with my siblings. though it wasn't much, it was something that was very memerable. my youngest brother wanted me to film him with his iphone for a little film or mv he is making so i did that so i decided to film myself a little small vlog to my tiktok. maybe i should do that more. oh! we also went to go get boba. not a fan of boba but i it tasted pretty good. my husband got the regular brown sugar boba tea with honey boba. it tasted better then my thai ice tea since the ice was in my way of getting the boba. maybe i should go get more. then my husband bought pizza and we play ball for awhile. it was fun but very tiring as i am not very athletic like my husband but i guess it was a nice excersize for me hehe.
update on life
what a crazy two months. yeah its been two months since i last wrote here. last time there was so much drama i felt so drained but now we are much better then those last two months. i really hope so. well. my birthday is in a day and i plan with my husband to just have breakfest with my little brother since his birthday is before mines and then possibly go scootoring later on. today and tomorrow were suppose to be work days but i took off just because and i thought we were going to a wedding reception and then my husband told me it is a reception but since its family people won't probably dress up so im like nah then lets not go because i myself am a dress up girl and to be the only girl dressed up is kind of fucked up LMAO.
but i did have so much fun. my older sister, my brother and sister in law came over for two weeks! during the two weeks they came, we went to my brothers baby shower in another state. we rented a airbnb and did so much. it was fun. i did have a few uncomfotable moments with my husband because since i have a big family everyone tends to scatter and if he a frustrated i am also frustrated. but we both did have fun, especially in our room LOL just A L O T of you know what. we visited my dad, went to one of my favorite asian markets that got a massive upgrade since i last seen it. wished we could've went to the parks that i wanted to go. we also did past my hold house and the road of my other old house. nostalgic i should say. 5 hour drive when we went and when we came home, both times we stopped at white castle. never had white castle until now and i could say it taste different and fresh then the frozen ones. my brother in law both times bought 100 sliders and since i have a big family, we all devoured it in 1 and a half day lol it was really good.
after the vacation, we just spent time with eachother, the girls got their nails done. the boys went scootering. went bowling did grilling and spent alot of money. then they had to go home. wished they could live with us forever but that will take a long time.
so much to unpack
i said so much to unpack but i don't have any energy to explain everything other than so much shit happened. i don't think that really matters anymore but all i know is that...my husband feels like he's not part of my family and it really breaks my heart. and i felt like shit when he said that. i also need to stop blowing up at him when i feel overwhelemed. because its not his fault im like this. now i feel like, i don't give him enough love. i want him to know he is loved and will always be loved and that no matter what happens i will always stay by his side no matter what. i also feel like he needs space from me. like maybe i'm just too much for him to handle at the moment. maybe i should give him space but i also don't him to feel like im distancing away from him because i don't love him. he deserves so much more.
also...i don't know about writing here everyday lol. i try my best..
its been awhile
its been a hot minute since ive been here. ive been updating my website for quite some time now but i never really got the time to write in my entries, not that i didn't have time but more like i just felt so lazy writing stuff that seems not good enough to write but oh wells. well, like my last entry, alot happened. nothing interesting though. why? i really don't remember half the shit i did for this entire june month. all i know was that i had alot of sex. whew~ a good amount of unnessessary spending (idk of i spelled that right), alot of going to the beach which it's good that i am going to the beach. because recently i've been enjoying going to the beach with my husband and my little brothers. the water is freezing yet warm, the sand is hot but feels nice and the wind is perfect for the hot summer days. i remember going to the beach with my little brothers on a monday. it was so nice because barely no one is there and it's just maybe us and 2-3 people on the beach, the weather was nice and the water wasn't too wavy. oh yeah! i got my aliexpress package the other day. it was just nails from aliexpress artists and no they weren't flimsy thin nails in white box packaging but more like actual press on nails that were good quality and very firm and nice. i love it all but two set of the nails i ordered didn't fot me because they were a different shape nail. i plan to sell them for $5 because they're in good condition and never been worn.
i also got a new diary/planner a few weeks ago but..i don't know why i buy them, i never even write shit in there because nothing intersting happens in my daily life lmaao just work and then home and it repeats everyday lmmaaooo so i don't know i keep buying planners and diaries when i barely write in them. all i know is that i need to buy more stickers again so i can deco whatever. also maybe i need a new bag soon because like i say many times i am never satisfied with my bags and wallets. well my wallet i pretty much satisfied for now buy my bag. i ust need one that isn't big but also isn't small you know?
thanks to puelle from tumblr i got a new layout. it's pretty much the best layout i ever had in awhile. it fits pretty much everything i want my layout to be. everything seperated in their own boxes. also since i got into adobe illustrator i recently designed a few y2k logos for me. i'm still new to illustrator but so far it's pretty cool. i still need to learn how to use that and i also want to lern blenmder but it looks too complicated to learn but i've seen tiktoks of people using blender and they make it look so easy lmmaaoo idk maybe one day.
i don't want to go to work...
hello, it's been so long since my last entry log. a lot of things happened. the good and the bad. not too bad but it's whatever. i spent memorial day with my older brother and my sister-in-law. well my family did. it was fun and hot. tis the summer time so the weather is terribly hot. i had a 3 day memorial vacation so i had enough days to out on these cute nail sets i bought from aliexpress. i also got tons of packages lately and they're all just stickers i bought over the month. but also the nail set i bought came in so quick considering it was from aliexpress which they always take roughly a month to arrive. but anyways. that saturday when my older brother came to visit we just stayed there all day just hanging out and watching videos. me and my husband went out to go fishing since no one wanted to go. didn't catch anything but i saw two big fishes that swam by but couldn't catch them. came back home sweating so much. but then later my husband and my other older brother went fishing so we all decided to go to the store. hobby lobby recently opened so we went there and jfc they're so expensive for no reason like a big mirror cost almost $500 like who tf would pay for those shit. after that we went to ross an i forced my little borhter who tagged along with us to buy me two sets of sprots bra and my mom helped me buy a pair of underwear because dear lord i spendt so much on my credit card lmmaaooo. went back home and waited for my husband to come home btw they didn't catch anything at all lmao.
went home and slept. next day we woke up early to take a shower and get ready to take pictures. i dressed up and wore makeup just for my family to be too tired to take pictures. no actually they wanted to grill out first which was a dumb idea because the forst half of the day we didn't do shit, just sat there and waited for my mom and my sister to come home with the food and also waited for them to prep the meat and start grilling so by the time we were done grilling everyone was so tired and didn't want to take pictures so me and my husband dressed up for no reason at all and we decided to change out of our clothing.my older bother kept saying we should take pictures monday but the thing is he and my sis in law are leaving noon so what's the point of waiting when there is no chance of taking pictures.
only the boys ended up taking the pictures. after my older brother and his wife left, me and my husband went to the beach along with my two little brothers. we didn't go swimming but we just sat there in our summer chairs and judged people. i forgot how long we stayed there but then my little bother wanted to go to target and see of there's any good hot wheels sets. nothing of course but before that we went to my phone service to get my little brother a upgrade. and then after that we went to wendys because my husband was starving all day. i did feed him but only breakfest and we were busy that monday so we both didn't have time to feed ourselves.
spent yesterday coding a new layout thanks to w3school. i always wanted a page site where the container is like directly in the center middle instead of just horizontally centered. and i spent all day trying to code it or trying to find the code for it and i finally found a code. so i just used that code to change the layout of all my pages like my about me, links and drawing pages. the thing is i want to try and add a footer under my container but i think the reason why the footer just never stick with the container is because my container isn't a container but more like a box you know? idk if i explained that good or not but either way i am happy with the outcome. i also changed a few things around too like my index which was my homepage become a step 1 to my homepage. i like it alot. it's not perfect and i just threw in some codes to make it work.
i am going to be so broke these few weeks from now because i don't have enough money to pay my phonebill and i always have to extend it and even if i extend it it goes up more and more. UUUGGGHHH
untitled i guess
don't you guys ever hate yourselves for being weak? yeah that's me. i really hate myself for being such a weak failure. there's so much possibilities out there for me and so many opportunities for me to say and do and yet...i'm so weak. i'm afraid of new challenges. i'm afraid of so many things. i don't like change, i don't like new. and it's so hard to stay the same. i feel trapped. i'm so numb and i'm so lost in this world. my constant overthinking drives me insane because...i think too much. i just...don't know anymore. i just live day to day and expect the same outcome. and even after thinking and feeling so numb and lost and weak and clueless and being such a complete failure...i get so frustrated at myself. i don't know how to become a better person who takes risks and isn't afraid of failure. i don't even know if i'm being a good partner to my husband. i've been so brainwashed in my own culture i can't even tell the differences of anything anymore. even the thought of facing death, i don't want it yet i yearn for it. am i truly happy? or is the happy a mask covering all the sins and mistakes covered face i have. i am so lost. at the age of 25...i am a complete worthless fool. a pathetic, useless human being born on this planet. i am of no use to anyone..
whole week was okay. i got paid thursday so i bought my new work shoes and that star vintage (apparently) bag i always wanted but kept procrasinating about it. i also bought my husband two booster boxes of yugioh for his birthday. some pretty cute and cool cards. he took those SR cards that were cool and cute for his deck LOL and he also bought his own presents like cigars and a cigar container which looks cool and fancy.
today we went to watch john wick. i rate it 9/10. only because **SPOILERS** wick was suppose to meet them at sunrise but dude hired people to try and kill him so he doesn't do the dual off which pissed me off because damn what a pussy and it took so fucking long like okay what **SPOILERS** but other than that i was pretty much satisfied. also bonus, we were the only ones at the theater watching john wick and you know what it was pretty relaxing because i get to talk and use my phone and do what i want without bothering people. and im sure the only reason why we were located over at the farthest back was because not much were seeing it and because people already saw it. another thing about john wick is i loved the osaka continel. so pretty and pleasing to be if i were there LMMAAOOO. forgot donnie yen was in there. but yeah, i enjoyed watching that movie.
went shopping afterwards to do alittle grocery shopping and also buy a whole new comforter set for our new bed. it's king sized and my little brother has been begging us to hurry and bring our bed because the bed was located in the room he really wanted at my moms place so i just told my mom to move the bed to the side of the hall where my older brother sleeps. just so he doesn't beg us more. i'm kinda excited about the new bed because it's just one bed instead of us using a queen and a twin put together. i also don't know if i want the box springs because there's two to hold the king size bed and idk if i'm willing to buy a new box spring or not.
watched one championship with my husband last night and i absolutely loved it far better then ufc. more action and less stalling. ufc they stall too much time and always put in the work 10 seconds before the time is up but one championship does so much action. i'd rather watch that then ufc honestly. but the only reason why i watch ufc is because of joe rogan. i love his commentary when watching ufc. but mostly because of my favorite ref which is herb dean like i just like him? he gives off good vibes and i feel like he's a kind and patient person??!!
i want to kiss my husband.
i get way too attached to people. that's why i try to distance myself from people. one small tiny nice gesture from them and suddenly i want to be friends with them forever. but i know that at the end of the day, i am not their priority. that's why i go on with my day like nothing ever happened. when i get too attached, i get dragged in and i can't find my way out of the big hole. i can only get out of something happens. then i just go back to distancing myself. it sucks, but i need to control myself. because at the end of the day...trios never work out.
cross out my depressing thoughts but i've had a good weekend i guess. me and my husband decided to sell our pokemon cards including his starlight yugioh card. some cards they weren't intereted in but it all came out to what i had expected from the last time we sold our cards. then we ordered mexican food which i love so mich because it was so delicious.
also, i don't know how to bring the king size bed from my mom's place to here because my moms car probably doesn't fit the king size bed and i need money to bed a comfortor set. maybe buy an extra blanket if sleeping together under one blanket won't work. i also want new work shoes and that star bag from chuu because the other day i saw that it wasn't in the store so i thought they were discontinued but i saw them up on the sdite so for sure i will buy it. like for sure because i have been holding it off for so long. like i told my husband, i am never satisfied with the bag and wllets i have. its like i love it but it's not what i relly want. well the wallet i have i am quite satisfied because i've been trying to search it up to buy with my kaddy but they all link to these korean apps that i can't even access and my ig friend said they're seling it on mercari japan but they're fucking expensive. i got the wallter through ebay. it was a little pricy but i t was for sure worth it.
reminiscing that good sex..ugh aha again, too blunt for my last thought. // i've been on my period more longer than usual but i just figured out tampoms can extend your period because though it soaks up blood and it can also block the flow(?) hence why i am still bleeding but if that's not the case then uuuuhhhh idk what i'll do.
i feel like i shouldn't talk about work stuff here. but i can't help it that it bothers me and i have to write it.
it's going to be my husband's birthday next week and i'm planning on letting him use my money to buy himself whatever he wants. maybe ciagrs? he loves cigars. shorts? A GUN FOR HIM?! idk i'll think about it.
there are days where i don't talk to people and days where i'm just really talkative. then there's some days where i'm in between both sides. idk why i'm like that. it just happens and i just shut people out of my life for those 8 hours at work. can't tell if it's relaxing or not. i guess it is because then i can have time to talk to myself or think about my life or some shit lol. i'm always to tired after work. ever since my husband bought me a PC i've just been on it every day. of course not 24 hours all day. i spent my time on my website that i just created or just playin gminecraft which i haven't been playing because i need a new mouse.
i haven't got up after taking a shower. my hair is still in a towel bun (is that how you say it or is that how it's called??) and i haven't done skincare yet. i don't even know what to cook for dinner, i think i want to order out but then i don't have enough money for that. i spent my money way to recklessly this past week. regrets and i don't even know if it was worth spending all that money. buying the yeezys was a good choise and i'm thinking about buying another one for work since they're so comfortable. usually i come home from work with sore feets due to my shoes. they're not old and worn out they're basically still new.
bloody sex... might've come off way to blunt for my last thought lol
today was so exhausting yet i didn't do that much..came back from work and immediantly cleaned the apartment. washed the dishes, picked up dirty clothing to the laundry bin and then went straight to cooking. i plan to cook the scallops w/ butter for dinner for me and my husband. decided to work saturday and spend all day cleaning and scanning pokemon cards for their prices so me and my husband can sell them for money. we did pull decent cards lately and we need the money like always. im still deciding what cards to keep because i think they're really pretty to look at inside my collectbooks. also went to a funeral for one of my coworkers who past away. loved the atmosphere because they weren't just sad they were all doing fine or i guess trying to be fine and everybody was lively and lots of conversations going on. long line to see the coworker so i guess its good that he had lots of friends and family to see him off.
recently me and my family went on a small trip and headed to the mall after the market and i went to the book store and they had blnd boxes. i got 1 out of the other options that i liked while the other two i had weren't the ones i wanted and so instead of buying more blind boxes to open i just bought it straight from mercari. they had what i wanted so i got both of them. my husband got the one i wanted so i had to buy the other two lmao couldn't help it because they're so pretty to look at and they're pretty on my tabel with my pc!